What follows here is an abbreviated version of what I sent to Martin today. If you don’t want to know, skip it.
Martin. I just wanted to say that I realise that you are feeling remorse for the things that happened last January. I also realise that you probably have a lot of time to think about you & I. I thought that it would be fair for me to let you know that I can’t deal with “you & “. I know what I said earlier this last year, but I was in shock, and numerous other forms of emotion that did not include rationality. You must understand that. What you did, or what happened really hurt me in a way I never imagined. It took me until now to actually get back to me. In fact I have only just began to write again. That in itself is the worst thing you could possibly have done. Well, I can’t blame you directly, but the whole thing affected me that badly. Writing is sacred to me, and I felt like a hollow thing without it. And yet I couldn’t put pen to paper without remembering how it hurt both to lose the you I thought I had and to realise that you weren’t who I thought you were, or who you wanted to be. I’m not sure you’ll understand that yet but it is what I feel. You see, the relationship that we had was not as healthy as it could have been. You kept secrets from me, and I will never totally forgive you for that. You also manipulated me and tried to change me for whatever reason. Perhaps in an outward attempt to battle what you were resisting inside. You know what I’m talking about. It was little things, but they added up. I started to hate myself. I know I thought that I could handle being with you after all of this but the truth is, as bluntly as can be: that I can’t. I want children. I need the security and the knowledge that my partner is not going to hurt them. I couldn’t ever totally trust you with kids. That is no place to start a relationship or a family. I don’t understand the nature of your illness. I could never understand it. The discrimination and the constant wondering would slowly kill me. I can’t walk down that path knowing that I would be digging an early grave. I did love you once, but I have moved on out of neccessity. I suggest that you do the same. It will not be easy, but I am sure that despite all the falseness that you showed me that you are not a quitter like your poor mother. The bottle is a talisman against her demons, but they will win out in the end. You need to prove yours totally wrong. I needed to learn not to change myself for others. I am me now, totally. I feel confident in everything that I do, not just the little things. I have goals now. I have a new lease on my life and now, a new partner. I can’t have strange people hunting me down for you. That is creepy, Martin. I know you want to talk to me, but personally I think that that wouldn’t be a good idea. I will not give you false hopes anymore. I did it before because you wanted to hear the platitudes. You needed to hear them. You needed my support and I was there for as long as I could be. If you need to apologise, apologise to Lisa. She’s the one who has suffered most. You’ve damaged the one thing for her that most people wish they had never ever lost. Her childhood, her innocence. You are responsible for that. Never kid yourself that you aren’t. You have an opportunity now. You can use this thing that you did as a talisman against it ever happening again. Devote your life to that and perhaps one day I will be able to speak to you again. Right now I am still angry. This is enough. Almost.