Kind of up and down today. Very tired, so I think I might be coming down with something. Yuck. I don’t want to be sick.

And I worked pretty hard today too. Lots of people shopping. Seems I missed Nomes on the island this weekend. I guess she forgot that I said that we were going up-island for to visit the parental unit this Sunday. She didn’t even leave me a message.

Poo.

Happy Thanksgiving anyway.

Linda-from-Payless asked after Amber today, and I had to say that I didn’t know. She sort of gave me a funny look. I mean, what am I supposed to say? It’s not like I can say that Amber has so kindly taken it upon herself to remove herself from my life because I refused to choose between her and the man I happen to love.

[****edit due to content that might make some viewers defensive****]

I don’t get it. I really don’t. Bah.

Took out my letters from M on Saturday morning. Partly in preparation for my bonfire, and partly because I wanted to see if they did anything to me the way they used to. All I could think of was how he was/is such a pathetic and weak-willed individual. It was like a curtain had lifted just a little. For a while there I was afraid of some kind of weird violence or something from him, because after the whole thing was over, I had no idea what he was really capable of. But after rereading some of these, those little ideas seem very silly all of a sudden. No he isn’t going to come around here and do something desperate, even he is capable of moving on. However I don’t believe that he’s incapable of coming around and making an emotional soap-opera scene at some point. I can’t bear thinking about that little-boy-lost expression he’ll get when he asks if we can still be friends and I say no. I will say no, because I know how weak he is and he doesn’t. It runs in his family. His dad with the drugs that killed him, his mother with the bottle that is slowly killing her. He’ll last for a while, but I don’t believe that he has what it takes to overcome his particular weakness.

I simply will not expose myself and those I care about to that ever again. not if I have the power to prevent it.

Now, I’m going to go read some more Shakespeare….

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