I had a bizarre moment in class yesterday. The prof was talking about Moby Dick, and the whole trope of whiteness… the terrifying blankness of it – the idea that there really was nothing beyond death. Anyway, I was sitting there and I had one of the ‘why am I me’? thoughts I used to have when I was a kid… (yes, I used to wonder this kind of stuff when I was as young as 6 or 7) Why this particular consciousness rather than another? Have I lived before? What happens when this body dies? What happens then? Then I had this flash of what the prof was talking about:
Absolute white. Blankness. Yet there was a terrible awareness of it at the same time.
I think I must have gone white, because the Prof looked at me a little funny, but I had this nasty spine-crawly feeling as I was sitting there and I didnt hear anything he said for at least five minutes. It was being aware of the nothing that got under my skin. It took that long to get me back to reality and the now. I was just completely astounded. Still kind of wierded out by it.
The huge mystery of it, the realm of death, it’s no wonder that we have made so many religions and faiths to couch that fear in something we might understand.