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Have been thinking very hard – between bouts of fury and apathy – about everything. Love, life, depression, oppression, faith, belief, self-confidence, desire, control…

One of the things on my mind has been Nomes’ post about faith and it got me thinking and scribbling various little rants here and there, but I don’t know if I’m at all clear or hell, even on topic… let me just spew some crap and you can take what you want from it, eh?

Now, I don’t believe in fate either, there are too many variables in every day life to make predestiny realistic for me. Besides, it kind of destroys the idea of free will, and completely negates the struggle we all have when we are required to make choices. As in, what’s the point of making a choice because whatever’s going to happen will happen no matter what I do. This is also similar to why I do not hold to any one “organized” religion; because the idea of a solitary god meddling in the minutiae of everyone’s life is just a tad a) narcissistic and b) convoluted.

However, that doesn’t mean I don’t think things happen for no reason. Human beings have this ability to reason which is what causes, in part, these existential crises. Who are we? What are we in relation to the universe and scariest of all: why are we here? (And then, of course, is the ‘what happens after death’ question that is, again, another argument.) Religion attempts to make sense of these questions, to give purpose. Something to hang on to. For many, it works. It’s comforting to have a system to impose on the world; a filter through which to understand and interpret the things that happen to us, and our emotional reactions to them. (Of course it is a system not without it’s flaws.)

I think that everything that happens to a person affects who they are, with or without that filter. Anything can have a profound influence on a person, be it being scared out of your wits by your sister in the woods when you were four, or surviving a car accident when you were 20, or even something as simple as someone missing your birthday, can alter how you perceive the way the world works. I like to see these things as lessons, for the simple fact that we do learn from them. What we learn is not up to the gods’ either, it’s up to the individual and is a culmination of the things we’ve already learned and experienced. How we interpret these ‘lessons’ are often affected by our role models as well. Children internalize far more of their surroundings than we realize (as demonstrated by little Nakeeta once upon a time in Nanai-hole) and so we carry those things with us until (or if) we consciously decide to excise them – in fact it’s probably safe to say that we still, as adults, internalize far more than we are consciously aware of.

As for faith in something, I’d seriously just like to have faith in people – that no one is just out for themselves, but actually gives two shits about everyone else. This is either terribly naive, or a sign that cynicism hasn’t completely overtaken my poor brain. I think this is what is causing a lot of my negative feelings at the moment; the repeated demonstration that people are basically selfish and some even have a very hard time stepping out of that ‘me’ zone to even be aware that that what they do is affecting those around them. Because of my desire to believe in people, I have been more than willing to forgive things that I perhaps should not have overlooked.

So why do I want to believe that people are inherently good? Because I think that all anyone really wants is to be loved. Loved, appreciated, valued, call it what you want. How they behave is a direct result of whether or not they feel like they are loved or valued whether it is conscious or not.

listening to: Delerium – Euphoria
today’s project: some laundry
eating: Nectarine, perogies are a cookin’
word of the day: irascible
word count: not enough
fragment of the day: “He stared up at the shifting colours that covered SIDIA’s interface screen, felt them shift over his face, colour the room. Just what it was SIDIA was meant for was something he did not know, was sure he did not want to. But he had to, now that Polly was gone.”
quote of the day: Aut viam inveniam aut faciam
lyric of the day: “and then you throw me back…” from Crawling – Kosheen
wtf of the day: “I’m sorry, you’re not the primary on this account, I can’t talk to you without faxed permission.” *blink* So yesterday was a fluke?
pet peeve of the day: the way my nails feel after I’ve done all the dishes
reading: Deerskin – Robin McKinley
want to watch: The Forbidden Kingdom
watching: movie trailers
craving: salt and pepper squid from Forum
feeling: frustrated (common theme much?)
headspace: spin, spin

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