, , ,

The new year is upon us and tradition begs a recap of the previous year and resolutions for the next. Since it’s ankle-deep in rain outside I’ve been spending a lot of time indoors listening to it drown out the sound of the traffic and thinking.

In a nutshell, 2008 had a few more lows than it did highs and as a result I spent a lot of time hibernating. No more of that in 2009 I tell you. I’m going to do my best to thwart the evil procrastination monster that has taken over my life. I need to find out why I do it and then stop. Procrastination and compulsive lying. I find things coming out of my mouth lately that are complete bullshit and I shock myself. When did that start? it’s a recent thing, but totally silly, like I can’t admit that I don’t know certain things for whatever reason and I have to stop that (and I know I can because I did it for a brief period in junior high, it’s just a matter of being more aware). I’m well on the way, but it’s work! “Do you know how to fill out that report?” “Oh yeah” and there I am thinking WTF just came out of my stupid mouth? Jeebus. If I’ve done it to you, I apologise.

I think also, that I may change careers. In 2008 I learned that I am not made to be a boss. At least not yet. I can’t seem to wrap my mind around being an authority figure and it’s starting to tell here. (Ok, having several employees just up and leave does nothing for the self esteem either, even though they were unrelated to my managing style – which up until now has been “oh I can do that tomorrow” …see? stupid.)

And then there is the field of relationships. One could call that a minefield, actually. I’ve been thinking rather hard and deep about that particular sphere of late for myriad reasons.

I think the human heart is a peculiar animal. In fact, it really is much like an animal, operating on the most base of instincts. It likes the things that give it pleasure and despises the things that cause it pain. it craves attention from those it deems important in it’s life, be it parent, sibling or partner and when it does not get the attention it feels it deserves, it will do things to get it back, and sometimes even go to extremes of bad behaviour to get it and so end up tangled in a knot of it’s own making which causes said heart more pain than it would otherwise have experienced (if it had only listened to it’s counterpart).

But thankfully the human heart is not left to its own devices. It has the aide of the mind. Of course, the mind has to work overtime sometimes not to be overruled by the blind reflexes of the heart, and is often overwhelmed by raw emotion, but it can shed perspective on the behaviours of itself, and of others to help guide the heart to actions and reactions that affect deeper and more positive relationships.

I’m working now for one of those deeper and more positive relationships.

Happy New Year.

listening to: the endless rain
reading: The Dragonbone Chair – Tad Williams
word count: you’re looking at it
eating: chili
drinking: pepsi and wishing there was rum in it (but where’s the rum gone?)
feeling: small
headspace: thoughtful