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I’ve been thinking very hard. (ouch)

As you can tell from my last post I’ve decided that my life needs a little – or a lot – in the way of a tune-up.

One of the things that I’ve been thinking a lot about it respect. For one, not a lot of people these days seem to even know what respect is. There are several definitions, but I’m interested in the ones below:

respect: [noun] esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person, a personal quality or ability, or something considered as a manifestation of a personal quality or ability: I have great respect for her judgment. 2. deference to a right, privilege, privileged position, or someone or something considered to have certain rights or privileges; proper acceptance or courtesy; acknowledgement: respect for a suspect’s right to counsel; to show respect for the flag; respect for the elderly. (and, of course their respective verb-forms)

Honestly, if everyone had some of this for their fellow-beings, life would be so much more pleasant. Without respect there is no trust and without trust there is no love.

But I digress.

I made a mistake this last year, one I do not want to repeat, and I am trying my best to work it out. This means revisiting some of the things I considered quite basic – and yet managed to overlook. I do not feel this was morally right. I did not respect John at all in this period and this – even though I may have felt that I wasn’t getting the same from him – is one of the things I am attempting to make amends for.

One of the things I’m doing in order to make this a reality, is to be completely, nakedly, honest with John. About everything. This is proving harder, for both of us, than either of us imagined. He is doing the same for me, and I think, as hard as it is, that it has been good for us.

Unfortunately, I am not the only one who has not been very respectful. I can’t speak for others, nor correct another’s behaviour, but I can ask, respectfully, for their respect regarding my wishes and/or requests as I work to make sure that I do the same. I need, more than anything, to focus on what I have in front of me rather than dwelling on what-ifs.

I don’t want to have to employ more onerous measures than that.

listening to: Save Yourself – Stabbing Westward
reading: Ecce Homo – Friedrich Nietzsche
word count: this is it
eating: fast food crap
drinking: bacardi black and pepsi
feeling: tangled
headspace: pink fluffy bunnies and tangerines