I suppose I should write something.
I’m feeling a little apathetic at the moment, due partly to the general douchiness of people and the fact that I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed about things. (Heh… perhaps that’s an understatement.) Work has to change. It has to. I need definites and this company doesn’t seem to operate on definites. I suppose that’s a lot to ask since it’s a company that thrives on the lurchiness of the currency market but my nature can’t seem to take it. I like things to be clearly defined…
Not to mention that I hate working late in the day, which I have to do to accommodate the training of the new girl. I can’t seem to get started properly if I can’t get started right away. I need to find a way to kick my brain on and into gear the way I can when I’m at work first thing. There are so many things I only half know and have to catch up on that whenever I attempt to take a hack at it, I get so far and then feel totally overwhelmed. I made a list yesterday, to prioritise and well, I had a little freakout in the back office. But I’m getting there. I’m getting there.
Walking to the bus stop after work these days is strange. The streets are entirely empty. Along the one road I usually take it’s like a ghost town. All the trees, bereft of leaves, are still adorned with green and white christmas lights. The wind makes the sign above the parkade squeak forlornly and the bells on the street-lamp flags jingle weirdly. I think they’re supposed to be jolly, but when there is nothing and no one on the street they just sound so hollow and wistful. A pale green light floods the facade of the Strathcona (I suppose it’s meant to be festive.) and beside it, the hulk of the new condo stares out over the city and the harbour with hollow eyes, murmuring as the wind darts through the cavernous openings and makes the cranes creak ominously.
It makes me feel lonely.
In other news, I’m sick. Again.
I blame stress because I’ve been taking care of myself. Honest! I have! You know: sleep, actually eating and not eating crap – or at least not too much. But no, no I can’t seem to shake this cold and now it’s worse. It’s of near strep-throat proportions. Bastard germs.
I’m a little frazzled also about how intense my dreams have been in the last little while. Intense and chaotic. There’s always something I have to do that I don’t know how to finish, or someone that needs something that I can’t find, or someone who’s waiting for me and I can’t seem to get where I’m supposed to be. The faces are so clear, the angles and scenery so sharp that it feels real enough that most mornings I do not feel rested.
Things with J and I are not too bad these days. We’ve dumped everything out in the open and we’re trying our best to work with what’s there. We still have our rough patches but we seem to be getting somewhere.
Regardless of our current state, we did end up having a decent day today. We rearranged all the furniture in the house so that BB could have a desk and we could have some more space. (I did not think it was possible, but apparently it is.) With the new stereo we were able to free up a lot of space by removing the old speakers and putting them in storage. Not to mention the three spare computer towers that were just laying around (Yes, three.) and the six or seven spare keyboards that J’s managed to destroy with his coffee habit. The cats are hiding because we vacuumed up a lot of crap from under the couches too – and they hate the vacuum. I doubt we’ll see them until well after dinner time.
I lied, there’s one now.
listening to: Portishead – Mourning Air
reading: The Dragonbone Chair – Tad Williams
eating: Kraft Dinner
drinking: Arizona Lemon Iced Tea
word count: I did an amazing 2000 words on some strange sci-fi thing my brain came up with in the early morning. It’s kind of Dungeons and Dragons meets Starship Troopers. I don’t know if it will ever go beyond the initial brain fallout…
feeling: worn out, drained