and sometimes I dream

Tags

anxiety, crazy cat lady, dreams

So I had a terrible dream this morning. I suppose it’s only natural since I’ve been feeling great gobs of anxiety lately. (It’s a sure sign I need a crafting evening with wine and chocolate with my girls.)

Somehow I had got it into my head to go to a cat show. I had three cats, Cinder, Kitten/Ziggy and a skinny little black and white cat. I had taught them one trick and had entered the amateur division. Cinder, being the suck that she was, was terrified and clung to my neck when I took her from the cage which made me even more anxious. I ran them through their tricks which included a tightrope act (sort of) and sitting up and paw patti-cake and little skinny black and white’s back flips. When the show started, all the cats where in cages on stage and the handlers would go up and do their show and then sit back down. I hadn’t realized I was supposed to bring my own music so I already felt like a failure, and then all these people had these elaborate routines with their kitties and my heart just sank and sank and I just wanted to go home. But then the MC said we had to all take our chairs and go to a different auditorium. So we did, all trooping down flights of stairs and down a path and through doors to another building. But then when I tried to go back for my kitties, we weren’t allowed to go back the way we had come. So I climbed out a window, which happened to back on a junkyard, which meant I had to go around these heaps of cars and broken crap and evade an enormous pit bull type dog who looked like he’d been through a war and it felt like I was just getting further and further away.

I forced myself to wake up (and that was a bit of a struggle I tell you) and went and cuddled my cat. Her purr is so therapeutic!

I have never understood the point of animal shows. My cats are spoiled rotten and I would never actually put them through the stress of a show like that – and it is stressful. Cats don’t really like travel – at least I have met very few who do. Cats should be soaking up sunbeams, sneaking catnip out of the pot and lusting after birds or squirrels on the patio. Or in the case of Miss Kitten right now, sleeping in the middle of the floor with all four feet in the air and her belly exposed to the world because she has absolutely nothing to fear here.

reading: The Wolves of the Calla – Steven King
watching: Dr. Who (the David Tennant years)
eating: green grapes
drinking: raspberry iced tea
craving: popcorn

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in a half lit world

Tags

clean freak, dreams, learning curve

I suppose I should write something.

I’m feeling a little apathetic at the moment, due partly to the general douchiness of people and the fact that I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed about things. (Heh… perhaps that’s an understatement.) Work has to change. It has to. I need definites and this company doesn’t seem to operate on definites. I suppose that’s a lot to ask since it’s a company that thrives on the lurchiness of the currency market but my nature can’t seem to take it. I like things to be clearly defined…

Not to mention that I hate working late in the day, which I have to do to accommodate the training of the new girl. I can’t seem to get started properly if I can’t get started right away. I need to find a way to kick my brain on and into gear the way I can when I’m at work first thing. There are so many things I only half know and have to catch up on that whenever I attempt to take a hack at it, I get so far and then feel totally overwhelmed. I made a list yesterday, to prioritise and well, I had a little freakout in the back office. But I’m getting there. I’m getting there.

Walking to the bus stop after work these days is strange. The streets are entirely empty. Along the one road I usually take it’s like a ghost town. All the trees, bereft of leaves, are still adorned with green and white christmas lights. The wind makes the sign above the parkade squeak forlornly and the bells on the street-lamp flags jingle weirdly. I think they’re supposed to be jolly, but when there is nothing and no one on the street they just sound so hollow and wistful. A pale green light floods the facade of the Strathcona (I suppose it’s meant to be festive.) and beside it, the hulk of the new condo stares out over the city and the harbour with hollow eyes, murmuring as the wind darts through the cavernous openings and makes the cranes creak ominously.

It makes me feel lonely.

In other news, I’m sick. Again.

I blame stress because I’ve been taking care of myself. Honest! I have! You know: sleep, actually eating and not eating crap – or at least not too much. But no, no I can’t seem to shake this cold and now it’s worse. It’s of near strep-throat proportions. Bastard germs.

I’m a little frazzled also about how intense my dreams have been in the last little while. Intense and chaotic. There’s always something I have to do that I don’t know how to finish, or someone that needs something that I can’t find, or someone who’s waiting for me and I can’t seem to get where I’m supposed to be. The faces are so clear, the angles and scenery so sharp that it feels real enough that most mornings I do not feel rested.

Things with J and I are not too bad these days. We’ve dumped everything out in the open and we’re trying our best to work with what’s there. We still have our rough patches but we seem to be getting somewhere.

Regardless of our current state, we did end up having a decent day today. We rearranged all the furniture in the house so that BB could have a desk and we could have some more space. (I did not think it was possible, but apparently it is.) With the new stereo we were able to free up a lot of space by removing the old speakers and putting them in storage. Not to mention the three spare computer towers that were just laying around (Yes, three.) and the six or seven spare keyboards that J’s managed to destroy with his coffee habit. The cats are hiding because we vacuumed up a lot of crap from under the couches too – and they hate the vacuum. I doubt we’ll see them until well after dinner time.

I lied, there’s one now.

listening to: Portishead – Mourning Air
reading: The Dragonbone Chair – Tad Williams
eating: Kraft Dinner
drinking: Arizona Lemon Iced Tea
word count: I did an amazing 2000 words on some strange sci-fi thing my brain came up with in the early morning. It’s kind of Dungeons and Dragons meets Starship Troopers. I don’t know if it will ever go beyond the initial brain fallout…
feeling: worn out, drained
headspace: cluttered.

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dreams

May the gods of sleep be with me – cripes I can’t take anymore crazy ass weird dreams. People have been jumping off bridges like Icarus, stealing my shoes for mad scientist experiments because of somewhere I might have walked and training an elephant to sit in my grandma’s living room – among other things. Just no more alien spider-ish things, ok? You hear me subconscious? I get what you’re trying to tell me really, but you can stop with those. Those were just fucking creepy as all getout.

Good night all!

more dreams…

Tags

dreams

a friend of mine had just discovered that his fiancee is terminally ill and only has three months to live. In haste, he marries her. His father dies just before his honeymoon, and they stay long enough to see him properly put to rest, but he is determined to see that the last months of his new wife’s life is beautiful. Before he leaves he tearfully tells me that he isn’t sure he will be able to live when she is gone. At the time, I tell him I understand. When he’s back in town, he’s back alone and we all know that the worst has happened. I know he’s in town, but I can’t find him and I am filled with this dread that he will do something drastic. For some reason I’m in a card shop and I’m circling it like a shark but I can’t settle. Finally someone I know comes in and she tells me she just saw him on his way home. I bolt and she looks totally bewildered. He answers the door and he looks a wreck. He says nothing but he lets me hold him. Finally he pulls me inside and he breaks down in tears.

“I was going to,” he says. “But she wouldn’t hear of it. I told her I wanted to be with her but she said I had a responsibility to live. But I miss her so much,” he weeps. I wake up in tears.

a dream…

Tags

dreams

It’s late afternoon in this dream. The day has been quite hot, so the rocks we’re sitting on are still warm. The maple trees are in full green, and their flowers are almost done, dropping all over the beach, as are the Arbutus. The peeling trunks and the mottled ones lean over us where we lean together, waving their leaves at the sky that’s changing colours from blue to red-purple. The water reflects the sinking sun as it moves through the bay, lapping and sucking at the rocks we’re perched on. My feet are in the water and I watch as the crabs forage at the edges of my feet for whatever particles thy find interesting there. A bullhead lurks in a small depression he’s made in the shell-sand that’s collected in this little pocket. Two starfish struggle in slow motion for the edible insides of an oyster smashed earlier by I-don’t-know-what. The wind is warm on my bare flesh and I watch the golden hairs on your arms ripple in its caress. There are no other sounds than the breeze and the water and we are lulled by it. In the branches above us, a Kingfisher cries once and then takes flight.

…old memories of the night…

Tags

dreams, inspiration, poetry

I’m still kind of in a weird headspace dreamwise. I was thinking about the bird in my boat earlier. I think he was a Cormorant though I’m not entirely sure. Wrote a poem about him anyway, so there was some writing. In fact I wrote a couple of them, though I don’t think much of it is any good. (Hooray!)

this river flows through the night
a silver thread of dreams…

Not a hell of a lot to report, save that I managed to misplace the book I was reading on my lunch break. *mumblecuss* But! I did find it online, so I will finish reading it that way I suppose and hope that one day I can find another cheap copy. I blink less when I read online though which can be a pain in the ass after a while, er… how about a pain in the eyes? (Library is reopening soon! Zomg! Youdon’tknowhowhappythatmakesme! Withdrawals much?)

listening to: Azam Ali – From Heaven to Dust
eating: taco salad
project of the day: editing
reading: The Letters of Abelard and Heloise
word of the day: anamnesis
feeling: creative
headspace: at the walls of Elysium

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dreams

I dreamt that I was in this vast house – probably more like a hotel than anything, but in my dream it was a house, with many rooms and dark wood panelling and so many people going about their business. There are stairs everywhere