I have been doing a lot of thinking. Surprise. Here are some half-formed rantings. Read no further if you’re not in the mood for rantings.
To be honest I’ve not been feeling all that good about things – or myself for some time, which is something that I’ve had trouble with for the simple fact that I had myself convinced that I was a confident individual. Took me a bit to realize that confident and self-confident are two separate things. I was taught that self-praise was vulgar. By association self-affirmation falls into the same category, which makes it hard for me to do. This realization may have been half the battle.
Also, about depression, because I feel sometimes like I’m studying the bottom of the barrel, if you know what I mean. Usually I can think myself out of it or pretend it’s not there long enough that it retreats elsewhere, but it’s there, this strange little black beast. Whether it’s depression or anxiety or whatever else I’m not sure, I just know that it can totally throw off my ability to think and/or function like a normal human being for a while. That’s when I make mistakes or completely phase right out of reality for a few minutes.
I do believe that there are more than chemical reasons for depression – hell look at our society, if that’s not perpetuating the trend I don’t know what is. Think about it: the general apathy and selfishness that seems prevalent in our mainstream, in the media and even in our back yard, is not exactly a spiritually nourishing atmosphere, is it? Everyone seems disconnected and lonely. People need human interaction – that means verbally and physically, and it seems a shame that the common means is now electronic. And no one seems to give two shits about their neighbours anymore. I think the average person is missing a sense of community for the simple fact that “community” has expanded to the point of “too big” and therefor is overwhelming. Maybe I’m projecting a little because yes, I do miss my little street full of its eccentric neighbours. I knew them all, I looked after their houses, their gardens, their pets and their kids while they were all away. That would simply not happen here. I’ve tried. Everyone here is too suspicious, too prepared to believe that there are ulterior motives involved when I act friendly. I suppose, sadly, that this is truly the case for many, but again this is not something that contributes to the general sanity of the world.
Anyway, the bottom line is, is that I’m not a stranger to the little black beast. Right now I think it has more to do with the brick walls I’m metaphorically slamming myself into these days, that it’s become what it has – nothing is as bad as 2001, thankfully. What it means is that I have to just get going on something, focus on one spot and then work through the rest as it comes. It’s finding the solid piece of ground to focus from that’s been a bit of a challenge.
This weekend was good for me, I think in that respect.
listening to: Purify – Balligomingo
reading: Gods behaving Badly – Marie Phillips
watching: Heroes 1X4 – Collision
word of the day: euphoria
word count: this is it
project(s) of the day: dishes, laundry, etc.