An Open Letter to my step-daughters

Tags

everything is complicated, evil stepmother, family madness, flying lessons, growing pains, kids, learning curve, mama troll, nescience, self esteem, step parenthood, us girls have got to stick together

Let me start off by first saying that being a step-mother is a strange position to be in, especially when said step children do not always live with you. You are in a position of authority merely by your adult-ness, but at the same time, you have no real authority: you can ask the teenager to refrain from doing things, but you have no recourse in terms of punishment – unless you are fortunate enough to be backed by the biological parents – who may or may not be on civil terms.

Having a step-parent in your life is no less strange, I’m sure. My mother had decided that she’d spare me that kind of strange and carried on without a partner – which on several levels I appreciate. One, because she demonstrated that she did not NEED a partner to raise me well, or even to feel accomplished or whole. And secondly, because I was spared the stream of “uncles” or the bizarreness of having a stranger try and tell me what to do, or tell my mother how she should raise me.

So trust me, I know how weird it is for you. Just trust that it’s just as weird for me. Because it’s weird I’ve tried to be more a friend than a parent – which also has it’s perils since I’m only on your “side” in a manner you don’t truly understand. It’s going to feel like a betrayal when you tell me things you don’t want your father to know and I tell him anyway because I feel you’re in danger. That’s only happened once or twice, but both times I was in the right and things turned out better than they might have.

But that’s not why I’m writing this letter.

I’m writing this because I know how hard it is to be a teenager or a young adult- and I know that you think that’s a lie, or that it’s totally different now than it was when I was a teenager. Some of that might be true, but the feelings aren’t. Technically you are an adult, but no one treats you like one and that’s frustrating. But we know you’re not ready for adulthood because we know how unprepared we were in spite of our cocky assurances otherwise. Part of us wants you to stay a kid while you still can, and the rest wishes we could impart some of our hard-earned wisdom so that you won’t have to make the same mistakes we did.

I see you girls thrashing around in the deep waters of adulthood and I have to hold still while you learn to swim rather than jumping in and rescuing you because that is the only way you will learn to do things for yourself. The only way you will learn how strong you really are. Because you are strong. You are intelligent and capable.

There are a few things I wish I could tell you. Or rather there are a few things I’ve told you that I wish you’d take to heart. Perhaps these are things that you will think of later and think “Ah, that’s what she meant.”

1) You are already whole. Do not expect someone else to fill in your spaces. This is  disservice to both of you and will only end in tears or misery.

2) You are only responsible for your actions and reactions – no one else’s.

3) a few good friends are far better than many acquaintances. If you are dependable and kind, you will attract the same kind of people. Just know where your boundaries are and don’t let anyone disrespect them. Those who continually do this, are not your friends.

4 Your beauty is not who you are. It is an expression of, but don’t reduce yourself to your appearance. You are so much more clever, and talented to be that.

5) People are jerks. This doesn’t mean their opinion should matter to you. It’s not really any of your business anyway and if people are jerks, cut them out of your life. You have enough to deal with already.

6) Last but not least: true love is unconditional. Your dad and I will love you no matter what happens. We may not always approve of your choices, but that doesn’t change this one simple fact. Ever.

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…but you don’t have a clue

Tags

acceptance, bullies, cuz i'm an asshole, disconnection, facepalm, growing pains, jerkism, karma is a bitch, learning curve, mindfulness, personal growth, things that happened, when ridicule backfires

So I wrote a bit of a rant over at my livejournal about something that’s been bothering me all week. This – acquaintance of mine finally wore out his welcome on my Facebook page. His vitriol and general derision of all things not himself got quite tiresome. [Though in retrospect I should probably have expected no less from someone who would write a book called FUCK YOU. He may have removed it from google books, but he still went so far as to publish the thing in the first place.] Now his exiting shots were meant to wound and to make me feel bad about myself and my choices, but it just makes me think awfully hard about how people deal with life.

I feel sorry for the little shit after it all. His love life reads more like a stalker novel rather than a romantic comedy. Lord knows if he’s employed and he spends almost the entirety of his online life spewing vitriol and hate at people he deems “retards” because they’re too stupid to be happy. [That or youtube videos of his baking prowess.] I giggled at his evolving love-hate relationship with his Chromebook. At first it was the best invention since sliced bread, then over the weeks his Facebook posts degenerated into spastic hate mail on how the product sucked. I wonder sometimes how he never factored in user error. But I digress. This guy who wrote a book that was about shaming stupid people for being stupid (I’m not kidding) should really have been talking to himself.

He did get one thing right though, so far as I can recall. Happiness does come from within. It is a choice. It does not come from the things you own or the things you accomplish – though those can certainly improve things. Yes, I could spend a lot of time lamenting the fact that I am not working in the field I trained for, or any number of other things, but what good would that do? Truth is, I like writing on my own terms and getting paid for things I LIKE to write is just a bonus. Working a 9-5 using other skills is a means to support my writing habit. Bottom line is that I accept that I am not a successful novelist or copywriter at this time. I accept that I’m working a job that is less than ideal. I accept that that job pays the bills and allows me the freedom of two days a week in which to do what I love.

I am a believer in mindfulness. I believe in treating others in a manner that I would like to see reciprocated. Shaming people and calling them out for their failures is only going to perpetuate that negative behaviour. One of the girls I work with is Korean and she is always commenting on how I will talk to anyone; how I hold doors open and thank people for service. It never occurred to me that this should be strange. People are people, whether they are broken and on the street or they are serving me my coffee. They appreciate being treated as people rather than less than that and it makes them treat others differently – at least until some asshole destroys that feeling with some sharp comment or asinine opinion because they think they’re stupid.

Sure it would be wonderful if everyone would wake up and realise that they are the only ones who can make themselves happy. It would be fabulous if everyone stopped trying to shift blame for things and just took their mistakes as lessons and moved on. But we are not living in an age of enlightenment. We are living in an age of total self involvement and disconnection, as evidenced by the production of such crap both on my Facebook and elsewhere in the world. So good riddance Facebook friend; may you find happiness somewhere… else.

Listening to: You Don’t Have a Clue – Royksopp
Reading: Piece of Cake – Cupcake Brown
Drinking: Stash Earl Grey tea
Wrote: 5423 words today