I thought that maybe I might try my hand at writing instead of talking. I won’t blame you if you don’t want to read my letter to you, but I hope you do. I feel what I’m saying isn’t working so maybe this will.
First I just wanted to say one more time, I love you Sooze. We’ve been friends for a lot of years. We’ve been through so many highs and our fare share of lows, and I never questioned the fact that I would be there for you and that you’d do the same for me. That always seemed obviouse to me, that’s what friends do. It’s kind of funny, I’m not really sure at what point this thought got all mixed up.
Some people think things stared to go south after the whole Martin going to prison thing, but when I think about it, for me it was before all that uproar. I think my personal problem is that I can’t let go of my personal feelings of protection of you. When I perceive something as being disrespectful or rude to you, I get offended and I want to protect you from this. Let’s face it no one will ever be good enough for you but whoever you choose had better at least be respectful of you. You always ask why I don’t like any of your boyfriends, this is an unfair statement. In my defence, I never mined Reed, at least he had somewhat of a sence of hummor. Yes I admit I had a big problem with Martin, he was a controle freak who treated you like a dress up child. He talked down to you and I don’t like that. Kind of funny how my intuition was right about him.
You asked for honesty and I gave you that. As a friend I thought for some strange reason you’d respect my opinion even if you didn’t agree. I don’t know how many times I have to tell you that it’s not about you. My problem, I should say, is with John, not with you. But I guess ultimately it is at the base of the issues about you. All I want is to protect you from disrespect and I don’t feel that John respects you. God I feel like this is high school all over again. This man, and I use the word loosly, is 34 years old and has tantrums like a 4 year old child who isn’t getting his way. I thought that way back in the day you and I agreed with each other about him. Do you remember getting off the phone with him and laughing about him? I do, and I also remember asking you not to do anything because he was Mark’s friend. You said “Aaaw… but can’t I crush his little man spirit? It’s just nice to be on the other end for once.” And I said no. I admit that I didn’t like it when you got together because I was afraid what might happen if someone got into an argument but you’re an adult, he isn’t but you are. I can’t believe you actually wanted to know what John has ever done to me. My god Susan are you compleatly blind and deaf? You know that’s something that John and Martin have in common, their jokes are mean, personal, and usually about some physical feature. Remember when Mark was away at school and I was so lonely. You invite me for dinner, mmmm spaghetti. You and I were making jokes about silly men because I was missing Mark and it helps to make jokes about stuff when your sad. John of course takes it personally and instead of making a joke about how silly women are he said “Don’t worry Susan your ass will never be as big as Amber’s” I was getting ready to go and we were talking about our butts in the mirror so I ignor this, but that’s not good enough for him he says it again. You say nothing I say “I gotta go” because you don’t respond he says it again. 1,2,3 times! I was so hurt that he would say something so personal and you wouldn’t defend me, but you said you didn’t hear him, fine. That’s one other thing he never apologized for. Another time he said I needed to wear make-up because that’s how ugly women make themselves feel better. Then he askes for peace, I’m a dumb ass but I love you so, I agree. Moments later said women were easy to get along with once you showed them who was boss. Joke? Maybe. Funny? Nope. You guys come to a party at our house. He verbally attacks one of our friends, makes you cry and leave early. You both come over again, which took so persuading on my part after the last time. Girls are having fun upstairs boyz down stairs. John wont leave us alone to have girl time I ask him to let us have girl time get called bitch. Later he askes for peace. Let me ask you, after all this shit would you take his offer? Sorry my answer was “you don’t know the meaning of the word” I walk away he throws a tantrum. What a surprise, you then had to go. Boy oh Boy Susan I really wonder, why don’t I like him very much? Really what has he ever done to me? You know what the kicker is? It isn’t even a big deal that he obviously has a problem with me. It’s the disrespect he shows to you by not keeping a civil tongue in his head. If he doesn’t like your friends he has the right not to hang with you when you’re with us. (fine with me, but awkward. Just don’t expect me to come to parties where everyone else is coupled off, ok?) So do I have the right not to hang with you when your with him. Throw a party and disinvite me, that’s alright, he has the right to not want me around. So it had been a while and like the sucker I obviously am we invite you both to Al’s house and within the hour he’s helping Ken make fun of my booty. I’m sorry but John doesn’t know me well enough to join in on that. The only reason ken gets away with it is because a) he’s my friend and b) he already told me I don’t have a booty butt and it’s an easy way to get me going. So an hour and he blows it again. This man has no ambition and I don’t see him doing anything positive for you so ya he’s kind of on my shit list. I don’t want you to make a choice. If you think about it you don’t have to. We don’t like each other that’s fine. I don’t have to like him just because I love you. I’ve overlooked a lot of small things and way too many big things that he’s done just so I didn’t have to hurt you. I wonder if he would give it the same consideration, I mean I am your friend I thought you loved me I wonder if he would hold make to spare you unnecessary hurt. That sort of thing is not dishonest or lying. It’s personal oppinion. If you don’t realy want me to tell you how I honestly feel then don’t ask me, please. I feel terrible. I feel as if I don’t matter to you anymore or at least my oppinion doesn’t. Sometimes I wish I could sink to his level and throw a tantrum of my own but I hold back because I don’t want to loose perspective and give into childish behaviour. But I gotta say I’m loosing that battle the sadder I get. You say you want to know what I ever did to him well I ask you the same in reverse. I love you Sooze but I can’t handle the stress and the pain anymore. I feel like I’m getting blamed even for things I don’t do, but somehow if it’s going wrong I must have set it up to happen. I admit I’m good, but I’m not a magician. That whole thing that happened the other weekend with Mike and everything I had nothing to do with. Also how dare he asume that he’s now my, and I quote “worst fucking enemy”? my neighbors dog makes a more threatening enemy than John, at least the dog has teath, what’s John going to do, throw another tantrum. Yep I just decided to laugh, from now on I’m going to see him as a little boy flailing around on the floor screaming and shouting “I want my mommy” and “it’s not fair”. Nope. Life ain’t fair suck it up. This whole thing is enough to drive a girl insane. I’m not holding back anymore, life’s too fucking short. Did you know that John told Mark on the phone, that day in the park, that he’d better learn to control his woman? Yep that’s pretty silly. Mark just said that I was just his wife he doesn’t control what I say or do. I note that John was too much of a chicken shit to talk to me or Naomi about what happened. I don’t know if your still reading this but it doesn’t realy matter. This feels good, way too much pent up sorrow and pain and yep quite a bit of anger. So I’ve come to a decision, that’s where you choose how you feel and go with it, and I think I’m done being the source of your life’s problems. I’ll always be around if you need me Soozie but until you come to grips with me not wanting to be around John I’ll just stay away. There now you don’t have to choose and this will be the last time something is my fault. It’s win, win Sooze. It’s what we both need, there’s no other way but one and I don’t see you understanding how some people don’t like having John crammed down their throats. That’s how I feel, I’m literally choking on my bad feelings. I’m to busy trying to make a happy life and this is holding me back so I’m gonna let it go now. I’ve said what I need to and even if you never read this at least I know I finally moved past this.
Love always Amber.
P.S. you might want to cherish the friendship you have with Naomi, she’s a wonderful friend and she tryes so hard for you. John finnaly got it down to two out of three.