I’ve been thinking quite a bit, about everything.
If anyone pays attention to facebook or anything they can tell things haven’t been peachy with J and I recently, so that’s one thing that’s been wearing on me.
Work is still sucking ass.
In other news, I’ve been writing here and there on Nano and I think despite my overdoing the work thing, I might actually pull it off. Because I’ve been playing with the “novel” I’ve been thinking about continuity. (This because I’ve been fighting with tying three or seven threads together, and it’s been a pain in the arse here and there.) Continuity, regrets, choices…
I can’t honestly say I regret much in my life, even the crappy stuff, because each instance, each experience has contributed to the person I am now. But, here’s the interesting thing about the human mind: when your perspective changes on events, you can change your self, or at least your outlook.
See, I stumbled across some old letters, poems, stories, rants and diary entries and I toured a little through nostalgia land. I’d deliberately forgotten some of the good things in my past in an attempt to make losing them that much easier to bear. I also attempted to hate someone for the same reasons. Granted there’s no going back, but realising these things has allowed me to accept the fact that I did in the first place, and that I don’t have to do that anymore. Ok, that sounded a tad convoluted, but trust me, that made sense in my head ten seconds ago. Anyway, bottom line is, I think I’ve managed to come to terms with some of that old stuff now, and can dig out each moment and take it separate from the subsequent ones. I don’t think this is important to other people, but it’s something I tend to do now and again, especially when I’m finding myself at a crossroads, of any sort.
I go back. I sort through things to see if I can figure out how I got to where I am in an attempt to figure out what’s best for me now. If I could just learn to follow my instincts, I’d probably be a lot better off, but I still seem to need to shore up my choices with this kind of ‘supporting evidence’.
listening to: Beth Orton – Anywhere
nano word count: 45687/50000
eating: an entire package of oreos… apparently
reading: Shogun – James Clavell (curse you POV shifts!)
feeling: exasperated, and yet, slightly accomplished