I’ve been thinking about Nome’s recent post on Am’s “separation”. A lot… specifically about her battle with complete honesty and ‘what people want to hear’.
I think that complete honesty can come in many forms. If Am had asked me if I thought she was doing the right thing, the only thing I could have said, or would have said was that it wasn’t my decision to make, and that I wasn’t the one that was in love with Mark. It wouldn’t have been my place to make any kind of judgement because I was not the one in the relationship. I don’t really know Mark the way she does. (Even though I may not think it was a wise choice, because all I see is Mark’s childish behaviour, it isn’t my life. I’m not the one that would be putting up with that behaviour etc. Even if I had told her that she wouldn’t have wanted to listen anyway.) I’d want her to tell me what her reasons were for doubting her choice – because the question would have signalled some lack of confidence in the choice – and then given her a chance to talk herself out. She didn’t ask me. Sometimes I wish she had, but I think she was too busy being caught up in keeping up a front with me. I hated that I felt like she was pretending with me. I’m still not even sure why and I’m still left to speculate. Perhaps this was part of what caused the rift between us. That and perhaps a kind of jealousy over the fact that I was so obviously happy with J when she and Mark were encountering their first rocky patch. I think. I’m not sure. There might have been some kind of self-righteous thing going on about her wanting to protect me from my own choices, since the last one had turned out so badly. (At least this is what I got from that long winded letter she sent me where she accused me of not loving her anymore and where she gave me the ultimatum: her or J. I may be angry at her for the choice she made to send that letter, and she damaged our friendship by doing it, but I never stopped being her friend.) I don’t think she was willing to let me make my own mistakes, which is the only way, I believe, to learn anything.
I want to call her, tell her I’m thinking about her. I think if I called her she would feel like I was laughing at her. I’m not like that, but it wouldn’t make a difference to how she felt. (Maybe I will mail her a letter. Does anyone know her mother’s home address?) I think it’s awful that something she thought would fix her life, or change her relationship, so obviously didn’t. I feel bad for Nomes and Al because this is obviously going to affect their relationship because they are both connected to Mark and Am and they really can’t take sides without causing some kind of split in their own relationship, and at the same time they can’t refuse because Mark and Am are still their friends. I guess it’s going to require some serious thought.
Ugh… thinking of you all!! *hugs*
More later perhaps. I’m off to class now.