I have frequently been dazzled by the lack of forethought and preparation involved in the average clothing shopper. Being the helpful sort I am, I’ve decided to construct a handy little guide for potential clothing customers.
1) Plan ahead. You never want to be in a store when it’s busy, because you will never get the service you deserve. You must remember that there are only a few associates per store and thier resources are stretched thin during peak time. This means that the best time to shop very early or later in the day. Peak time is about noon to three, and heaven forbid that you should be so common as to go shopping when everyone else is too. On this note, being in the mall and outside the door of your favourite store just before opening is probably the best possibility, especially if you have something to return. If the associate who is opening the store is visible, wave at her until she comes and opens the door for you. She knows how important you are. If you have a return, insist on doing that first, before you look around so that you have this out of the way. If the associate asks if you want to exchange instead, just explain that it’s perfectly all right, you’ll just do the return and then have a look around to see what else they have. The associate may ask you for a reciept. Tell them it’s in the bag. Your memory is perfect, you put it in there two days ago when you decided that you didn’t need the item. If the associate looks in the bag and the garment(s) and doesn’t find the reciept, huff loudly in order to show that you’re not pleased with her service and rummage in your purse. Check every pocket and pouch inside – even your small change and large change pouches, you never know where those nasty purse gremlins have hidden your receipt. Ask the associate why she needs a receipt to do a return. You’re a regular customer, doesn’t she know who you are by now? When she insists that she needs it, and gives you some hogwash about lowest sale price and payment methods, huff loudly and search your purse a second time. Oh yes, you put it in with your Visa, because that’s what you used to pay it with. No need for the girl to get impatient, is there?
If the associate informs you that you’re in the wrong store for the return, insist that this is the same store you were in last week, even though the sign and the tags don’t match the garment you’re returning. If the associate doesn’t buy that, insist that the store you’re in and the one that is marked on the label of the item you’re returning are in fact affiliates and you’ve done this a number of times before. You’re a regular customer, she should know that you know all about how the system works. Your memory is, after all, perfect. If the associate still refuses to honour your return, demand to see the manager
2) Never make a list. Your memory is perfect, so you don’t really need a list, do you? On this same note, never bring any samples of the items in your closet that you want something to match with.
3) Never do the associate’s job. Make sure that when you have finished inspecting an item, and it hasn’t met your standards, you just put it whereever. You don’t need to attempt to fold it again, or put it back on the hanger. This is part of what they hire these girls to do.
4) Ask for everything in a colour that they obviously don’t have.
5) Ask for styles that have been out of date for ten years
6) talk about your latest illness or your bowel movements
7) ask for help in the change room
8) bring a child. Points if the child is cranky and/or has a cold or sticky food items
9) try two of everything on and decide that nothing really looks good
10) fall in love with something, but insist that you can’t buy it because it has a flaw in the hopes that the associate will give you a discount. When the associate can’t see such an obvious flaw, or attempt to fix it, you’ll have to go back to the drawing board
11) purposely misread the signs. repeatedly. And then argue when the associate informs you about the actual sale.