Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , ,

We went over the Malahat this Friday to visit mum and Joan for Easter. Honestly it’s because we had the opportunity since both J and I weren’t working, to see them both and less about Easter itself. (I made mum laugh out loud when I told her how rabbits fit into the whole holiday – she’s very much agnostic and loves a good religion joke now and then). We had lunch at the usual place and it was lovely.

It’s hard knowing that time is running out, you know? They’re both pretty fit and spry, but things are changing for them both and so we’ve started preparations for when they’re not in good shape anymore and it’s made me reflect on this kind of thing more than I really want to. No one wants to think about what happens next, you know? (Isn’t that the whole reason we invented religion in the first place? To explain the inexplicable?) I want to go up more frequently, to keep tabs on things. I worry about my mum living all alone in that apartment now that her eyes are not what they used to be. She’s been very forthright about what she wants the next step to be, so that has made things easier, but I also don’t want to pressure her into taking that step sooner than she’s ready for – but at the same time I have to be prepared in case one happens before the other, you know? Ugh.

I think it’s one of the most natural things for people to be afraid of change. There’s always some trepidation about what the future holds, because we simply don’t know. Going into the future without fear is a kind of Zen I haven’t mastered and I’m pretty sure most people haven’t. I mean I have anxiety for fucks sake, but even I can only plan for contingencies I can imagine – and I can imagine a LOT. That being said I think it’s good to let go of expectations. That’s not the same as standards, mind – but you can’t set yourself up for disappointment all the time. You have to just have to make a plan and see what life throws at you. It can be a lot of work to be ok with what does come your way, especially if it’s unexpected, or not what you wanted or worked for.

I would like to think I don’t have any regrets – I mean absolutely nothing has turned out the way I thought it would but I tried a lot of things. I still think I would like to be a student again, but I don’t know what I would go back for now – especially since I never stopped stuffing my head with random information. I get obsessed and have to know everything about a subject – a trait I’ve had since I could ask questions. I’m sure I exhausted more than one family member before I learned how to read. I originally wanted to be a scientist – but my talents lay elsewhere. Facts gave way to stories. Histories, real or imagined and that’s why I got a degree in writing and literature. I get asked a lot why I did it when I don’t use my degree, since I work in the field of finance and I just laugh because I do use it. Every damn day. That degree taught me more about the human condition than anything else ever did. It taught me how to think critically, and to look at all the perspectives of a thing. And one day I will finish a novel. Or all of them. There may be a few on the go >.>

I wanted to be a mother and I worked really hard to make that happen – first the universe gave me half grown step daughters, and then a whole bunch of miscarriages and then my twins who I miss in a way I am not sure I can ever truly describe. When I was pregnant with them, I joined a group on facebook for twins and befriended a woman who was also due at the same time I was. (I remember thinking there were a LOT of twins in the city at the time). We don’t talk as often now, for obvious reasons but she’s still my facebook friend. Her baby girls are 5 now. It seems like just yesterday I was sitting every day at the beach just waiting for my heart to stop hurting long enough for me to breathe, but it’s been five years. (!) I like to imagine an alternate universe where my babies did draw their first breaths, and grew up to be happy, chubby toddlers like these little cherubs. Maybe even that they were friends with these ones. Instead I have a box with the onesies they would have come home in and a sheaf of ultrasound photos.

I’d like to tell past me that things turned out ok, even if they didn’t turn out as expected. That change is inevitable, and that you can make the best of anything if you have the strength – and the support – to do so. Same goes for you too, dear reader. Things may be shit now, but it does get better. YOU get better.

On the way home I asked J to please stop at the park so I could take come pictures of the easter lilies. Even though he was too sore to walk around much we found the lilies – and a few other bits of spring. You know it’s spring on the island when the skunk cabbage flowers. Yes, it really does smell skunky, but they’re so bright and yellow and happy. There was a dog in the cabbage, so I didn’t post a pic of those, just the pretty white ones:

A Trillium, Easter Lily and some Deer Berries at Goldstream park.

Listening to: Hope on the Street Vol 1 – J-Hope (It’s pure Sunshine, seriously. Go Listen)
Reading: Rainier Maria Rilke
Watching: Beacon 23
Drinking: Diabolica Reincarnation Red
Word count: 5543
Headspace: a flower field somewhere in the multiverse