every night I lie awake

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somewhere in the ether, SSDD

I had a good weekend.

I went to Duncan so that I could get some away-time from this zoo I live in. Not that I can honestly hate either of the people I live with, but it gets fucking claustrophobic in here. (And don’t even get me started on how things smell around here!) I used to get Saturdays to myself to recharge, but I don’t get that anymore – and there is simply no place to cut myself off from all humanity for even ten minutes. (No, not even the bathroom. Apparently even shitting is no longer sacred for longer than five minutes.)

Anyway, I took some time to empty my head onto paper, which is something I’ve been wanting to do, or rather, needing to do for some time. A total of about 15 pages worth of crap. Stay tuned says my subconscious, because I think there’s yet more up there. I wrote it and I’ve not looked at it again. Cathartic. Therapeutic. I talked some of those things over with mom too, rehashed some of the old crap and it helped me make up my mind about a few things.

I feel a bit lighter.

I also went to the beach, but there were too many people on it (!!) and the tide was too high for me to get much in the way of the desired solitude.

My cats are fat and relatively happy. Miss Kitten slept on me the entire Saturday night.

listening to: I Hate Everything About You – Three Days Grace
reading: The Manticore – Robertson Davies
eating: Chicken Caesar
drinking: yet another gallon of Arizona lemon green tea
feeling: harder, better, faster, stronger…

read or die

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bring me cheese or die, SSDD

Grrr. You know, sometimes people piss me off more than usual. This weekend seems to be one of them. My interior monologue (heh… I almost left it saying ‘dialogue’) is really quite nasty right now.

Dear people who come to the front door at 3am with their very drunk friends. When you realize that you’ve locked yourself out, do not think it’s a good idea to buzz random people in the off chance that someone will believe you actually belong in this building and let you in. Do not throw a hissy fit when no one complies and for god’s sake, take your screaming matches elsewhere. Do not try to force the door, or slam your weaselly little body into it on the off chance it’ll pop open. Of course I’m going to come out on the deck and tell you to shut the fuck up and/or DIAF. Did you enjoy watching me talk to the cops? I certainly hope so, because I certainly did. However, I did not enjoy the occasion that prompted me to do so in the first place. Should I see your sober face anywhere in public I shall smile sweetly knowing that you and your little pissant friends spent a night in the drunk tank. I hope you got to be someone’s bitch. Oh, and just fyi, the world does not revolve around you.

Bummer, eh? /rant

Woke up late this morning and was in a cranky mood (hrm, wonder why), so I really accomplished almost nothing save the removal of garbage and the cleaning of a toilet So I’m feeling crankier because I was such a lazy bones, but then I feel like I end up doing … *breathes in* You know it’s the same old shit. Again. I fucking hate pms when I’m already feeling like dirt, because it really does nothing to improve the situation, it my mental state.

I’m going back to my book. It’s safer for everyone.

listening to: R.O.D theme song
watching: R.O.D 21 – Dream or Die
reading: Breath and Bone – Carol Berg
eating: guacamole
craving: a foot rub
weather: muggy
word count: nada
word of the day: flagrant
feeling: PMS-y
headspace: Jinbo-Cho

actually, my plate was already full, thanks…

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little black raincloud, SSDD

Long days this month… I didn’t realize that it would be 7 by the time I got off of work – way to make me even less motivated to do dishes! *glares at the pans* Stupid things keep getting dirty! Such naughty, naughty pans.

Urgh. So there’s been some kid drama with J’s daughter. It sounds messy, and I’m hardly in any kind of position to give advice – or at least anything I say seems to get absorbed into some kind of vortex. He’s probably right, I might not know what I’m talking about but still, you’d think an outside perspective might be helpful? I’m just going to sit over here for a bit and say nothing for now. Oh look, a book to read…

I wish I could get out of this mental hole I’m in… Oh who am I kidding, no one wants to hear me whinge, lol. I’ll let you know how the kid thing turns out.

listening to: traffic hum
reading: Across the Face of the World – Russell Kirkpatrick
eating: leftovers
word count: nil
word of the day: corrosive
feeling: overwhelmed
headspace: cyclonic

out of the woodwork…

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sick, SSDD

Ok, so I’ve not posted in eons, but that doesn’t mean I’m dead. Contrary to the way I feel at the moment anyway. Had some really hot days last week. Wed apparently was a record breaker at 36C. Despite my best efforts at keeping cool I managed to get heat stroke. (This should really not be a huge surprise, since I’ve never done heat all that well. 25C is enough to make me turn into a cranky 4-year-old until someone throws me into a lake, river or ocean.) Slept like a rock last night tho and I’m starting to feel slightly more human. (and yes, I am human… least so far as I last checked =P)

In other news: not much.

Had a lovely visit with Lindsie last week. We spent most of it puttering in book and paper product stores. She also gave me the latest instalments of Tiny String which I enjoy immensely.

I’ve got to get myself back in a writing frame of mind. I’ve let myself go these last two months. In fact I’ve even stopped taking my notebook everywhere in my purse. So. I’m going to get myself back into the habit of doing something every day. I need to finish a few projects and I’m feeling rusty. Silly me!

eating: salad
reading: Æstival Tide – Elizabeth Hand
listening to: J raiding Heroic Mana-tombs with Kadago & Gang, also traffic

Fusion’s Alright

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recommendations, SSDD

I feel like it was an exceptionally long day today. Probably all in my head because I was out of work at the usual time. I think I can attribute the feeling to the fact that I’m learning new paperwork this week and this am was devoted to working with that while I was fighting a migraine.

Fucking migraine. It was one of the foggy-eye ones, so that I could only see out of the right-most portion of my left eye, which made it pretty much useless. Squinting at numbers when I only have a half-assed idea what I’m doing does not make for a relaxing time. Oh well.

On the upside: we have groceries.

I’ve also written some poetry, which is lovely, considering that I’ve not done much in that ballpark for the last…. two months. TWO. FREAKING. MONTHS. My head’s been too full of new crap from work and resentment that I’ve not had the urge to even string more than six words together. Which is probably to blame for my recent penchant for titling my blog entries with song lyrics.

Tuesday I went to a movie with Lady J from work. We saw An Inconvenient Truth. It made me angry, which I’m sure was it’s intention. I recommend this documentary for the value of it’s message, if nothing else. It’s important to look after our planet after all.

I tried to talk to J about it afterwards, but he couldn’t let me finish a sentence without having an opinion and we ended up having an argument about ice. When a single ice cube in a glass of water melts, the “tide line” doesn’t rise. BUT if you have a whole bunch of ice cubes all piled up so there’s one that’s not floating in the water, when it melts, the water level will rise. I was trying to exlain how this applied to polar ice caps because I wanted to say something about water levels – don’t recall my exact point right now, because we never got past the ice cube argument. Ice in the water, when it melts, doesn’t raise sea level in a serious way. Ice that’s sitting on a landmass will when it melts. No? I think so. J was trying to convince me that the water level’d rise no matter which ice was melting when that really wasn’t the point at all. Such a stupid argument, and so freaking typical these days. Rrrr. Don’t know why we can’t have a normal conversation these days.

AAaaand good news: J has a new job! He starts Monday! Whoo!

listening to: Portishead – Hell is Around the Corner